Well the experiment is complete. I decided to test my uncanny ADD. Normally, something comes along, I get a whiff of it and I run after it, scraping at whatever I can get my hands on, while drooling profusely. (Hey, I just went to look up profusely in the dictionary to make sure I don’t sound like a COMPLETE moron, and the book randomly opened to the word pornography. Is this a sign from God?) Now before we jump to conclusions, I’m talkin bout FADS baby! Not my crack days. Those are over. Those sweet, sweet, mind-orgasmic days.......are over. It was a short while ago that I decided to start a blog. This was followed by searching the dark crevises and navigating the twisted tunnels that is Yahoo. (Before you judge, 3 months ago my entire hard drive was 500MB TOTAL! With programs and shit, I had 14MB of free-space. Those are the dark days and we never speak of... wait a min-) Now before I get the world hooked on the exciting life of a guy who can amuse himself for 45 GODDAMN MINUTES, simply by watching water roll down his hand from the faucet, I figure the ADD test is worth a shot. Go a week, see if you give a rat’s ass anymore, or if you’ve discovered your inner love of smushing Wonder bread back into it’s dough-like shape hence returning it to Earth as it should be, as all things should be, for we are all one! Or maybe you found an old snowglobe and let nature take it’s course.

Well the results are in!!! I can’t make up my mind. Sure, there have been plenty of times when I’ve wanted to write. Those funny puns I make up, to annoy my friends to a level of eye-gouging goodness, which was only thought possible with the help of Kenny G. Why not my mindless rantings on that film I watched last night for the 8th time in 5 days.................(IT WAS VANILLA SKY!) How about wanting to talk about truly life altering experiences? Well I’ve got one and here it goes. (Sweet segways, I love you and I hate you!)

Tuesday, I got high.

Now what I don’t get about Vanilla Sky is, why the fuck- don’t worry that’s not it. I’m not going to leave you “high” and dry. (Laughs like a prick!) Ahhh, Kenny G ya got nothin on me! See I go for the stupid joke, I make no reference to Gore ditching Lieberman like a Christmas tree – so special, then bam– it’s abandoned on the side of the road, tinsel still clinging to it.....where was I? Ah yes, so I get high after eating icing sugar for about 2 hours, wouldn’t recommend it, unless you like napping anywhere you can. I end up getting home in time to get the car from my mom to drive to work–wait, wait. It had worn off by then, by now I was just more tired than I had ever been in my entire life. I realize that I need to get gas for the car. Christmas is coming and my god do I ever want an electric guitar, could this put my over the top? (Probably the first unselfish thought in a while.) Now I must add that from the moment I realized I needed to get gas I was excited. I have never pumped or payed for gas ever before. Today, I begin 2001: A Pumping Odyssey. With my excitement, came a constant repeating cycle of Marge telling that country club woman, “If the gas isn’t pumping, 99% of the time, its because the lever isn’t down.” or something along those lines. As I’m leaving work, I am excited to the brim, realizing all the full service stations are closed and I get to pump it myself! (I had been smoking pot and I am a hermit. I don’t get out much and events such as these are gigantic.) As I’m driving to the Beaver station at Donlands and O’Connor, all I can think about is Marge saying “lever down”, me saying “you’ll do fine, just read the instructions on pump. There has to be instructions. Right?”, “lever down”, and so forth. I catch a break and don’t have to wait for traffic to pull into the station. As I pull in, I quickly line myself up with a premium pump and make sure the car the car is more parallel than Stephen Hawking could ever imagine. I race out of the car, grab the pump, flick the lever down and spin around.......It’s go time!

THE GODDAMN TANK IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CAR! Oh happy day, not only do I have to back up and go around the median, but I also have to endure the snickering of the man in front of me, who I am sure caught the look of excitement coming out of the car, as well as the utter devastation and humiliation as I replaced the pump, and got back into the car. On a happier note, I decided to re-enact the Jerry Seinfeld Mastercard commercial by not looking at the pump and trying to get the perfect $20 pump. I was close. The monolith of gas read out $20.01. Good enough!

Today’s gas pumping adventure happened at an Esso on Mount Pleasant, where I decided to pay interac at the pump. I parked on the right side of the pump, but I had to wait a few minutes and review my interac reciept just to make sure that nobody would run outside yelling and screaming about stealing gas once I drove off.

Well it’s 2:55am, and now I can go and watch the beginning of Equilibrium, which I swore there was no way in hell I was staying up to watch....again, but who am I kidding Christian Bale smashing into a room and killing 15 armed men with 2 pistols, without taking one step, is just too damn good to pass up. Besides I am a sucker for a 1984 reference, and this is one big, sick and twisted orgy of Big Brother deja vu. Careful, He’s another O’Brien! It’s off to Room 101 for me! Right after I listen to Mad World by Gary Jules one more time. Is it ok to be sad, scared and happy at the same time?